Chappelle’s Show – The Playa Haters’ Ball


YEAH, YOU KNOW
WHAT I’M SAYIN’? LIKE, REAL HATIN’, MAN,
THAT’S LIKE AN ART FORM, MAN. YOU KNOW, IT’S LIKE,
YOU LIKE A BORN HATER. YOU KNOW, LIKE MYSELF,
A LOT OF CATS THINK THEY HATIN’. I MEAN, I’M MAD
AT EVERYTHING, MAN. BROTHER GOT A NICE CAR– “MAN, WHY YOU GOT A CAR ?
I ONLY GOT ONE CAR. “WHY YOU GOT THREE CARS
OR A WIFE OR ALL THAT ? MAN, THAT’S PLAYED OUT.” I HATE ON A NIGGA
‘TIL HE’S TOTALLY BROKE, AND AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ LIKE ME,
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’ ? ‘CAUSE, YEAH, THAT’S WHAT
REAL HATIN’ IS ALL ABOUT, MAN. HEY, WHAT’S POPPIN’,
EVERYBODY ? THE EVIL STAR HERE,
WANNA WELCOME YOU TO THE FIFTH ANNUAL PLAYER
HATERS AWARD, UH, CEREMONY. THIS GALA AFFAIR, WE, UH,
WE HOST THIS ONCE A YEAR. WE HONOR THE MOST
PRESTIGIOUS VERBAL ABUSERS, UH, ON THE PLANET. ( heavy Korean accent ) AGAIN, I’M HATING
ALL THEM KOREANS. ( speaking Korean ) IS THAT A CUT ON BEAUTY ? THE PLAYER HATERS BALL
GIVES US AN OPPORTUNITY TO HATE ON A DIVERSE ARRAY
OF MARK-ASS MARKS, TRICK-ASS MARKS,
PUNK BITCHES AND SKIP-SCAP SKANKS
AND SCALLYWAGS… HO’S, HEIFERS,
HEE-HAWS AND HULA HOOPS. MAN, YOU OUGHTTA
TAKE THAT CANE AND BEAT WHOEVER
MADE THAT SUIT TO DEATH. ( laughs ) WHY DON’T YOU VACUUM
THAT COAT, MAN ? WELL, WELL, WELL ! THE MOST DIABOLICAL HATERS
THIS SIDE OF THE MISSISSIPPI. BUC NASTY, WHAT CAN I
SAY ABOUT THAT SUIT THAT HASN’T ALREADY BEEN
SAID ABOUT AFGHANISTAN ? IT LOOKS BOMBED OUT
AND DEPLETED. AND OF COURSE,
THE SO-CALLED “BEAUTIFUL”. WHY DON’T YOU CLICK YOUR HEELS
TOGETHER THREE TIMES AND GO BACK TO AFRICA ? AND AS FOR YOU,
BOSS HOGG, VERY INSULTING WHAT YOU
SAID ABOUT MY COAT. IT’S MADE OUT OF YOUR
MOTHER’S PUBIC HAIR. QUITE SHITTY. NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME,
I’M GONNA GO TAKE MY THRONE ‘CAUSE I’M A SHOO-IN… FOR HATER
OF THE YEAR. THE PLAYER HATERS BALL
IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT HATING ON
ONE ANOTHER. WE PLAY GAMES
WITH EACH OTHER, TOO. LIKE OUR ANNUAL
PHOTO FLIP. OH. DAMN. OH MY GOD. LITTLE-ASS TEETH ?
NIGGA GOT DOLPHIN TEETH. ARSENIO HALL TEETH ! HE ALWAYS SAYS HE DOESN’T WANT
ANYONE TO SEE HIM SHINE, BUT THE NIGGA
LOOKS SHINY TO ME. LOOKS LIKE MALCOLM X BEFORE
HE CONVERTED TO ISLAM. NEXT. THANK YOU, MISS EFFIE. GOOD LORD, ALMIGHTY,
IT’S OSAMA BIN LADEN. THAT MOTHERFUCKER PUMPED
MY GAS IN MY CAR ON THE WAY OVER HERE. THAT’S IRONIC, BECAUSE
I TAKE YOGA CLASSES FROM HIM. NEXT PICTURE, PLEASE. I LIKE THE SONG THE GIRL SINGS,
“PAPA, DON’T PREACH”. I GOT A SONG
FOR YOU TOO, BITCH. IT’S CALLED,
“DAUGHTER, DON’T SING”. NEXT PICTURE, PLEASE. IT’S BOY GEORGE ! NOW, THAT MAN RIGHT THERE
I’D HATE TO FIGHT. SHE WEARS UNDERWEAR
WITH DICK HOLES IN ‘EM. ( man )
NOW TO PRESENT THE AWARD FOR PLAYER HATER
OF THE YEAR– ICE T. ! ( booing ) YOU LOOK LIKE
BILL COSBY ON CRACK ! I’D LIKE TO WELCOME
ALL YOU IGNORANT-ASS BITCHES, CRITICS, COMPLAINERS,
DISGRUNTLED RAPPERS, HA, AND RACISTS ESPECIALLY, TO THE NINTH ANNUAL
INTERNATIONAL PLAYER HATERS BALL ! OH, MAN,
HATE, HATE, HATE… ( audience chanting )
HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE… HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE,
HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE. OH, MAN, YOU CORNY ! NEXT NIGGA SAY SOMETHIN’
WHILE I’M TALKIN’ IS GETTIN’ SHOT,
PLEASE BELIEVE THAT. HATE, HATE, HATE,
HATE, HATE ! SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET ME GIVE YOU THE NOMINATIONS
FOR PLAYER HATER OF THE YEAR. Y’ALL READY ? FIRST UP…
BUC NASTY ! ( booing ) CLAP FOR ME, BITCH ! BUC NASTY IS
NOMINATED FOR… GETTING HIS BEST FRIEND’S
WIFE PREGNANT, THEN TRICKING
HIS BEST FRIEND INTO RAISING THE
LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER. YEAH, HOLLA
AT YOUR BOY. DAMN, THAT’S HATEFUL ! THE NEXT NOMINEE
IS PIT BULL. ( booing ) PIT BULL IS NOMINATED
FOR CALLING THE POLICE ON THE DRUG DEALERS THAT MOVED
NEXT DOOR TO HIS HOUSE, NOT BECAUSE IT WAS
THE RIGHT THING TO DO, JUST BECAUSE HE WAS JEALOUS OF
ALL THE MONEY THEY WAS MAKIN’. PIT BULL !
( barks ) FINALLY,
THE ONE AND ONLY… SILKY JOHNSON ! ( boos
and applause ) SILKY JOHNSON IS NOMINATED FOR CALLING IN A BOMB THREAT
TO THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS, MAN ! ( audience )
HATE, HATE, HATE,
HATE, HATE ! THE WINNER OF
THE NINTH ANNUAL PLAYER HATER
OF THE YEAR AWARD IS… ( man )
LOOK LIKE
A BOOTLEG ICE T. ! SILKY JOHNSTON ! ( booing ) KISS MY ASS ! I’M THE BIGGEST HATER ! SILKY MINK MADE OUT OF
100% RAT ASS ! HIT ME, BABY. THAT, OF COURSE,
WAS BEAUTIFUL TALKIN’. BEAUTIFUL ON THE WEEKENDS
DOES STUNTS FOR LITTLE RICHARD
IN GAY MOVIES. ( laughter ) FIRST OFF, I WOULD LIKE TO
THANK GOD ALMIGHTY FOR GIVING EVERYBODY
SO MUCH… AND ME SO LITTLE. I HATE YOU,
I HATE YOU, I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU,
AND I HATE YOUR GUTS. I HOPE ALL THE BAD THINGS
IN LIFE HAPPEN TO YOU AND NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU. ( booing ) HATE, HATE, HATE,
HATE, HATE ! AND AS I SIP MY SODA THAT I’M SURE
SOMEBODY SPIT IN I JUST WOULD LIKE TO
SAY TO ALL OF YOU, KISS MY ASS,
YOU ROTTEN MOTHERFUCKERS. NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME,
I’M GONNA GO HOME AND PUT SOME WATER
IN BUC NASTY’S MAMA’S DISH. GOOD EVENING. ( laughter ) HATE, HATE, HATE,
HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE,
HATE, HATE…

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