The Harry Potter Skirmishes


Hey guys, Internet Historian66(6)420productions here. Before I’ll give you another mediocre video… Here’s an ad! For Heroes Of The Spire! Play it on your phone, borrow your friend’s phone, then play it on the toilet. It’s an action RPG PvP OMG! Wow, hey are you playing Heroes Of The Spire? Excuse me? That’s a yes. Build a team! 400 is too many. *bing* Excuse me sir. Can you please turn off your electronic- NO! I’m playing Heroes Of The Spire! Oh, sorry sir my mistake. It got a 4.5 out of 5 on Google. How bad can it be? You can play as this guy. Opps! I should have blurred out his nipples. To see the uncensored version, You’ll have to download the game. EA was not involved at all! *yay!* It even has a Reddit. Don’t worry about that. Download Alliance from my links to get 50,000 dollar 50 gems. Thanks Konami! *Big Ben chiming* Hi there. It’s me, JK Rowling. You know me from the series that inspired the Harry Potter erotica. And the ghostwriter for Tyler Oakley’s autobiography *throwing noise* *thud* But I have another tale to weave for you today. And it’s about spoilers. Flashback! 2005. My 6th book is coming out soon. The kids are excited. The parents are misguided. And the hype is building. *hype noises*
And the hype is building. But the popularity of the series also had some unintended effects, It gave rise to four nefarious groups. (houses, if you will) The first, The Bootleggers. Making and selling knock-off merch. As well as knockoff books. The second, The Gamblers. Thousands of individuals. Betting hundreds of thousands of dollars. On the outcome of the story. Who would die next? Oh! Fuck! Who would Harry hook up with? And the third group, The Thieves. One of them stole an early copy of the book. And tried to sell it to ‘The Sun’ newspaper for £50,000. This was getting serious. So, the publishers started ramping up security. They put GPS trackers on all pallets, guards were stationed 24 hours a day. No one outside of a very small group was allowed to get their hands on the book. But despite the extra efforts… There was a leak. Which brings us to that fourth group, The Spoi Bois. They didn’t care about money. All they wanted, was to ruin the fun. You probably know these three magic words, ‘Snape Kills Dumbledore.’ The spoiler started on a few small forums. And quickly spread everywhere. And then it went from online, to RL. (Real Life) Teens were taking to their moms minivans and heading out to bookstores where queues to buy the Half-Blood Prince was stretched around the block. But that wasn’t all. They started printing custom shirts, posters, even car enthusiasts were getting in on the action. Spoilers, get it? But worst hit of all, with the sacred Potter forums, people were making accounts there and posting spoilers in every thread. I couldn’t bear to watch… But there was an even bigger event on the horizon. The final book in the series, and this would contain the greatest spoilers of all. Fast-forward to 2007, it’s getting worse. There’s now a 5th group, Journalists. Who are rummaging through my trash looking for scraps of paper. We started taking it viry siriously. More GPS trackers, more guards. We made fake endings We even got the GCHQ involved to conduct surveillance on some of those first 3 groups. We did everything we possibly could from my precious book. And yet. The retailer DeepDiscount.com sent the bloody thing out to customers a week early. And The Spoi Bois, were more prepared and organized than ever. July 18th, they called it, ‘P-Day’. Because they’re not that creative. Attacks on the shores of the United States. Attacks in the streets of London. And everywhere else, too. World of Warcraft, Furcadia more shirts, posters with bolder font, more cars, even a shitty cake. A few people even made a massive banner and hung it over the motorway to ruin it for morning commuters. They were stopped by police thankfully. But the hardest hit of all, again, was the sacred Potter forums. 2:30AM Eastern Standard Time, someone managed to get access to the site admin. They wrote a message with every single spoiler in it. Set recipients to all. And hit send. Everyone registered to the site, thousands of the most dedicated fans, *You got mail!* received the email. The only thing they could do was temporarily close down the forum. And that brings us to why I’m telling you all this. Because there were always supposed to be 8 books in the series And now you’ll never get to read the final installment. Harry Potter And The Unbelievable Plot Twists That Change Everything Because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s tea time at my private moon castle. *5* Toodaloo!
*4* *3* *2* *1* We have ignition.

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